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"He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.”

-Douglas Adams.


If I Took a Tour of The White House


If I took a tour of The White House, my first order of business would be to kiss the front steps.  This would make everyone around aware of my patriotism.  It would also make them look like total dicks for not thinking of it.  Once inside I would look for a bathroom.  They would have to be the fanciest public restrooms in existence, right?  Up there with the Target restrooms. 

*Side note: We don’t rest in them, so why do they call them restrooms?  Sign up for an open mic night.* 

     Once inside the restroom, I would behave like a lady.  If the mall can afford to have cameras in the bathroom to catch shoplifters, then surely The White House can too.  I would enter the first open stall and I would close the door and take a deep breath.  I’d say to myself “You done good, kid”, then I would pee standing up.  I’ve never done that before, but I’ve read The Secret, so I know I’ll ace it first try if I just put that energy out into the world.

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i’m suing you for defamation of character

Haha okay

where is mine?

I was going to bring you one but then I decided not to as revenge for breaking my heart yesterday.

In other news you and Peanut Butter liked this post simultaneously on two separate platforms!

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The King of McFlurries—the fabled Smarties/Oreo blend
  1. Never got the sense that you were lonely Alex. You’re always talking about your friends and family
  2. maggiossso replied to your post:I’ve been kinda chronically lonely this year, and…
    I can easily write my name under it! At some point this feeling consumes you and it fucking sucks!

ilovecomput3rs I KNOW it’s weird eh? Even with all that, plus exercise, constant creative projects, and general life-enriching self-fulfilment, I’m still feeling this annoying void that I am having a heck of a time filling. I guess I need a man? 

maggiossso Yeah, like.. it isn’t consuming, but it definitely still colours a lot of my feelings and behaviour and I wish it wouldn’t.

I’ve been kinda chronically lonely this year, and I thought I’d make a Top 5 list of the worst things about it.

  1. It’s so uncomfortable. I don’t feel sad, or particularly upset. I don’t even think I’m all that unhappy, and one might even say I’m content. But it’s uncomfortable, and there is no cathartic release like there is when I’m sad and crying in the bathroom, staring at my mascara-glazed face in the mirror with some kind of crazed detached intensity, trying to decide if I look pretty when I cry (I don’t). Instead it’s just a dull restlessness that causes me to be unsatisfied with everything I do, no matter what it is. And it’s irritating and frustrating but I don’t really know how to fix it.
  2. I don’t really know how to fix it, beyond making sure there is a constant stream of new people going through my life until I find somebody I like. But that’s exhausting. I don’t have the energy or the know-how. I hate clubs, and most of my good friends are homebodies (like me), and of the dozens of people I’ve met this year, very few of them have actually been anybody I actually connected with, and while they’re lovely people and I like them, I really can’t handle another discussion about how pretentious experimental films about moth wings overlaid with a weird vuvuzela soundtrack literally intended to annoy the shit out of the audience to “make them think” are so beautiful and beneficial to society because how else would we know the boundaries of art.
  3. Talking about it is weird and useless. There isn’t really anything to say, beyond “I’m lonely” and “that’s too bad.” Then people give you the worst advice, like somehow I’d never thought to “go out and meet new people” and they tell me to “get comfortable with being alone in your own company” instead of remembering that I’ve spent not only the majority of my adult life single by choice, but also alone everywhere I go most of the time by choice, even to the other side of the world. But I try to talk about it or mention those things and all of a sudden I’m “being difficult” and “negative” and “needy” like wow can’t a girl just complain about something only she can fix in a specific way and shoot down all the advice given to her without being called names, like “bitter” and “jaded?”
  4. It’s limiting my pool of movies and TV shows to watch. I had to stop my Parks and Rec marathon today because Amy and Ben are just too damn cute and I can’t take it, so I thought, maybe Scrubs, but then JD and Elliot are just meant to be together and it’s hard to deal with, so I watched Always Sunny instead but then I couldn’t handle my unbridled lust for Charlie Day so I thought maybe I’ll just complain on the internet instead.
  5. It makes me do weird things. I made out with the wall of my shower on multiple occasions over the last couple of months.